This in today's mail:

Subject: I want to sell your music through our stores

I've been to your webpage ______ and I think your music is perfect for our stores. I especially like the song "_____ ______" on your album. Have you tried selling your album directly to stores? We work hand in hand with the largest stores in the country, plus thousands of small to medium sized specialty businesses stretched across the U.S. If you want the opportunity to have your music sold through major retailers like Barnes & Noble, Tower Records, Sam Goody, Virgin Records, QVC, HSN, etc ... plus the other 10337 music stores, 51005 gift stores, and over 24000 mail-order catalogs ... check us out at _____________.

Sincerely,
Frank Loza
__________.

Wow. 51005 gift stores. And I can imagine the new program schedule over at QVC - can feel the excitement at hearing the host enthusiastically gush: "Stay tuned loyal shoppers... immediately following our Incredible Bonanza of Holiday Applique Sweaters, we will be bringing you a Very Special Succulent Hour of Nice Drug Music by People You Never Of! Oooooo... If I were you I'd prepare to buy!"

Cha-Ching! I've finally made it. Made it big.

But when you visit their website you can't even figure out what the hell they do. There is just a page where you can send them some money and some pictures of guys in suits high-fiving each other. Useless. It appears I won't be selling my wares on the home shopping network after all. Damn. But I really admire the personalized touches placed in their asinine marketing letter. It made me feel special for an eighth of a second. That is better than nothing. Still, I bet 'Frank Loza' plugs into a standard 110V outlet.